Clutching at Straws
by Amelia Lauren
Summary: Do you remember your first boyfriend?
1. Epilogue

I think I am actually insane. I'm staring yet _another _fic!

But, this story is one that I've wanted to write since I started writing fan-fiction almost 10 months ago... I see so many people writing stories that are close to their hearts and help them overcome things, and they all say how therapeutic it is, writing about their issues. So, I thought that I would do the same thing. This story is based on the subject of 'teenage relationship abuse', something that is very personal to me, because I was actually on the receiving end of an abusive relationship when I was 17... It was a hard time, and so many teenagers (boys and girls) are hurt by their partners every year and not much is done about it really... I think that by writing this, I will be able to get over some of the issues I have, raise some awareness to the subject (and get rid of the 'why doesn't she just leave him?' attitude that people have), and hopefully produce something you'd like reading as well.

The things that happen to Monica (yeah, I chose her... again) happened to me, although, I didn't have my own Chandler (pity, I know). I don't want to go into more details about me, and turn into a whining internet weirdo, but I thought I'd let you all know that this story is personal to me, so updates may or may not be frequent. I'm not writing this for reviews, really (although I still would love to hear what you think of the writing). I'm absolutely fine now and I've left that part of my life behind, if you have any questions, though, ask away.

Now, that was a little angsty (a little like this fic might be- don't worry, this fic will have some humorous parts- [Mondler friendship, and stuff]), so I'll give you some happy news. I might be going to Africa for the summer to volunteer with the Chimpanzee's!

Okay, okay, I won't bore ya' anymore with all of this... so I'll just say that 'I don't own Friends' and please enjoy.

**Epilogue**

Beneath the dull, yellowish, flicking bathroom light, the handful of pills that rested in her trembling hands seemed to radiate in a luminous manner. The light refracted and danced off of their small, white, little surfaces in a weirdly mesmerising way. She stared unblinkingly at the many dozens of tablets and exhaled a slow, shaky breath, knowing that in her hand she held the only thing in this world with the power to end it all tonight.

Her lips and throat felt painfully dry and taut as she slowly bought her knees up to her chest, hugging them closely with other arm and rocking slowly back and forth. Her heart was thundering, hammering faster and faster against her rub cage as stared at the tablets, she couldn't tear her eyes away from the pills, she swallowed the knot of rising fear in her throat, and with one of her trembling fingers, she began to move the tiny, round pills around her palm. Her hands shook violently as she picked up one of the pills, rolling it around between her fingertips. She bought the pill up to her lips, shaking and quivering fiercely, her head burning like she was on fire, before dropping the pill back down onto the pile pills. She couldn't do it. But this was the only way, this might be the only way to free, free of _him_, forever.

She felt horrible; she thought that she was going to be sick. A cold, sticky sweat broke out over her pale skin and she hung her head slightly. Was she a complete coward for thinking that this was the answer? Was this how far this boy had driven her, to taking her own life?

Monica clenched her fists tightly around the pills, so tightly that the skin around her knuckles would turn whiter and her fingernails would dig painfully into her skin so much she nearly drew blood. As she trembled violently, Monica bought both of her iron-tight clenched fists up to her knotted and neglected hair, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on breathing, in and out, but she couldn't. Even when he wasn't in the room with her, she could still feel his presence, hear his voice, feel his hands around her throat, chocking and suffocating the life out of her. He was always there. He was never going to leave her. She was never going to be free from him... unless...

Monica slowly unclenched her fists and looked back at the pills for the millionth time that evening, her heart sunk, this was the only way... or was it?

She was so confused. He'd scrambled her brains, changed the way she thought. What had he done to her?

The sound of her Blackberry vibrating on the wooden bathroom shelf broke through the silence and she jumped slightly, startled by the sound interrupting her thoughts. It was him, she knew it, it was always him. Always.

With one hand still gripping tightly at the pills, Monica reached for her mobile with her free hand. She opened the message and felt her heart thump against her chest harder. Tears of both anger and fear stung her eyes as she read the text, hearing it in his sharp, demanding voice.

_Monica, where are you? Answer my calls... now._

Her hand began to shake violently as she stared at it, "Leave me alone," she whispered through gritted teeth, before throwing it across the room where it crashed against the floor with a loud crash. Monica glanced at the pills again, was this really how she wanted it to end?

Her hand begun to shake violently as she stared at it, most girls smile when their boyfriend texts them, this wasn't right... She didn't want this. "Leave me alone," she whispered through gritted teeth, her whole body tremulous and arching, she threw the phone across the room, smashing it against the tiled wall with a loud crash. She glanced back down at her hand and shook her head; this wasn't how she wanted this to end. The half-broken phone began to vibrate again as he tried to call her.

"For God's sake, leave me alone."

She rose from the seat and strode across the room, hanging up the call, only for it to ring again seconds later, his name was flashing up on the screen, over and over, like a beacon in her brain. He was here, he was everywhere. Monica began to shake as held the phone tightly in one hand, turning it off.

_Don't you ever turn off your phone, _she remembered him saying.

She shook her head angrily; "Fuck you," she cursed, before throwing it to the floor. She was never going to get away from him, ever. Unless... she looked down at the pills in her hand again and looked at them. This was the only way; it was really the only way. But did she want to die?

_Bang, bang, bang._

Monica jumped again, her heart rose into her throat as she began cry uncontrollably. How did he find her? How did he always find out where she was?

"Wh-who is it?" Monica asked; the tears evident in her voice as she spoke.

"It's Chandler, are you okay?"

Monica exhaled deeply. It wasn't him.

"I'm fine," she lied, still transfixed on the pills. Is this what she wanted? Deep down, was this what she really, really wanted?

"You don't sound _fine_," Chandler said, mimicking her voice.

"I'm-" Monica paused. She wasn't fine, was she? She was holding a handful of pills in her hand, she nearly took the pills, she wasn't fine.

"Mon?"

"I'm, I'm scared," Monica whispered, the pills suddenly weighing a tonne in her hand.

"What of?" Chandler asked, she could hear his light-hearted chuckle. Monica sighed, when was the last time she had laughed, or smiled for that matter?

Slowly, Monica unlocked the door and pulled it open to see Chandler, leaning casually back against the wall as he waited, he straightened up and stepped forwards at the sight of his friend. In the two years he had been friends with her at school, he had never seen her in such a state.

"Mon?"

"Help me," Monica asked tearfully, throwing her arms around her shoulders and burying her head in his chest. Chandler looked around uncomfortably, startled for a moment before rubbing her back supportively.

"What's happened?" he asked her.

Monica couldn't speak, she didn't know what to say, and she fumbled around for his hands and thrust the pills into his hands. He looked at her in worried confusion.

"Monica, what-"

"Get rid of them, please," she cried.

"What are they?" Chandler questioned her, narrowing his eyes, "Why have you got them, have you taken-"

"Please just get rid of them, Chandler," Monica said, backing away from him slightly.

"But-"

"I'll explain later," Monica cut him off, hugging her body close, "Please just get rid of them."

Chandler nodded wearily and stepped into the bathroom, flushing them down the toilet before turning to face her, "Monica, did you take any?"

"No, I didn't," Monica said, closing her eyes, knowing the pills were gone.

"Monica, what is this?" he asked, trying not to let his anger show, "You've been distant for nearly a year, you've lost a tonne of weight and now this... Mon, what's going on?"

Monica looked at him and shook her head, "I can't say."

Chandler stepped forward again and held her hands, "Why not?"

"Because," Monica hesitated, "Because I'm scared."

Chandler sighed, "You're scaring me too," he said, "You've changed, please... tell me."

Monica bit her lip, "I can't," she cried, "I-I'm sorry."

He looked at her again, "Do you want me to call Darren, I'm sure that-"

"NO," Monica half-shouted, "I-I mean, no" she said in a softer voice.

Chandler frowned, "Monica, please, whatever it is, tell me."

Monica took a deep breath, "Okay," she nodded reluctantly, "But you can't tell anyone."

Chandler nodded, "Just tell me, please."

"It's Darren," she avoided her gaze, "He, he's errm, he's been hitting me."

She looked away from him, not wanting to see the look of disappointment in his eyes. Chandler felt a rush of protectiveness over her as he pulled her into a hug again.

"He- he hits you?" he asked, his voice a lot soften than before.

Monica nodded against his chest, "I'm not lying, I swear-"

"I know," Chandler said, "I just- I can't believe it, I didn't, I just..."

"Help me," Monica said again, "Please?"

**...**

So this was the epilogue (obviously) and the plan is that the first chapter will start about eight months before this one, and will show just how Monica was driven to feeling like this and then will show how she recovers (and maybe tries to get into a relationship with Chandler... okay, that _will_ happen, it is me after all!) Please review and tell me what you think of the fic, and once again, sorry about spelling or grammar issues, I'm writing via my iPod... A quick thank you to all who have read and reviewed my other things or have PM'd or tweed me feedback. Talking about tweeting, if you haven't already, follow me on twitter at AmeilaLauren1 :D


	2. Chapter One

Firstly, I'd like to start by saying a massive thank you to all of you who reviewed this for me and for your kind words too. (Most) of you, have been extremely sweet, so thank you so much. But sadly, I've gained a hater and as she doesn't have a log-in, I'll have to take up this AN replying to you here, so here it goes...

Hi, Liz... I don't know what I've done to offend you, or anger you, but believe me it wasn't my intention to make anyone mad... Usually, I ignore little comments like against me, but this one went one step too far. People who get themselves stuck in an abusive relationships are not 'weak' or stupid, as you'll find out through reading this story (if you decide t0) it starts slowly... It's not like 'hey, you're my girlfriend now, I'm gonna beat you up', it starts so slowly you don't know that it's happened until you're in too deep. And yeah, people lie, people lie about things everyday but believe me, I wouldn't make any of this up... It took me a long time to say that this happened to me, and I nearly didn't. But you know what, I'm glad I did now, because the people who know me know that I'm not 'stupid' or 'slutty', I was just young and got caught up in a bad relationship and by the time I knew what was happening, it was too late and I didn't know how to get out. It took a lot of strength to post this so I'm not doing this for attention, and you assuming that I am is one of the reasons I needed to write something like this. Now this has to stop, I'm all for constructive criticism, but I'm not here to be insulted. In future, if you have something to say to me, log-in so I can deal with you privately.

Sorry 'bout that guys! I'd like to thank Flash Gordon for sticking up for me, and you're totally right, I'm writing this for awareness that needs to be raised. It is very therapeutic, writing out all of my problems and venting.

Okay, so this chapter starts about a year before the epilogue, and now it's going to show the lead up... This chapter seems quite light-hearted, because most of the time, this is how these relationships start... And, I've added some Mondler friendship in too, just for you guys! :D

**Chapter One**

Monica jumped back slightly and let out a small, startled shriek as she exited her bedroom that evening to find her older brother, Ross, lingering outside her bedroom door, waiting for her with a stern expression on his face.

"Jesus, Ross," Monica exclaimed, "Are you trying to kill me?"

Ross huffed, a little grumpily and crossed his arms, "So, where's this 'Darren' boy taking you tonight?" he asked her, narrowing his eyes accusingly and seemingly ignoring her comment.

Monica rolled her eyes dramatically as she pushed to get pass him, fiddling with her earrings, "For the millionth time," she sighed, "We're just going to the movies."

"Well what time are you coming back?" he asked stubbornly, shifting his weight to the side and scrutinising his sister in the very typical over-protective-big-brother kind of way.

"God, you're worse than Dad," Monica shook her head, sighing in exasperation.

"Well?" Ross sighed, holding his hands out in a gesture for her to continue.

"I don't know, the movie finishes at eight," Monica said, shrugging, "Don't worry, I'll be home for bedtime, though," she said sarcastically.

Ross rolled his eyes again and followed his sister down the stairs, "I'm just worried, you know," he said, "I'm the big brother, I'm supposed to hate every guy who looks at you."

Monica stopped half way up the stairs and looked at him, her expression softening some-what, "I'll be fine, Ross," she assured him, "And you don't seem to mind when Chandler comes around."

"Yeah, well he's your best friend and won't try and get into your pants tonight," Ross told her.

Monica choked slightly, "I can't believe we're having this conversation," she shook her head again and carried on walking down the stairs, Ross following close behind.

"Ok, ok," he said, "I won't talk about _it _anymore."

"Good."

"But," he continued, "I just want you to be safe."

Monica smiled slightly at her brother, "Ross, I know you're worried," she said, "But I'm seventeen now, I'm not a child."

"But-"

"I know what I'm doing," Monica assured him with a smile, "And Darren is really nice," he told her brother, "Please be happy for me," she said, "I've never had a boyfriend before."

Ross sighed, "I am happy for you," he told her, "But I don't think I'm going to like any guy who dates you."

Monica smiled at him as she picked her coat up off of the hook and checked her bag.

"Call me if-"

Monica held up her phone and grinned, "I will," she said, "Honestly, mum and dad haven't been half this bad."

Ross gave her a hug and smiled at her, "Have fun, yeah?"

"I will," Monica smiled at him as she pulled on her coat, she checked her reflection in the mirror as Ross walked away; she ran her fingers through her hair and straightened her skirt before sighing happily to herself. She was going on a date, a date! She grinned to herself, turning to check her reflection in the mirror, God, she was excited.

"I'm off now," Monica called.

"Okay, have fun," her mum called back, not sounding that interested. Monica rolled her eyes, again. Her parents still thought of her as that overweight teenager going out with her friends, not on a date.

"Bye," Monica called again before walking out of the front door. It was still early evening, so it was pleasantly warm outside, but to Monica, it felt like everything was on fire. Most of her friends had been dating since they turned fourteen, and most of them had passed the I-think-I'm-going-to-be-sick-with-excitement phase that she was still in. She lingered in the garden until she heard the rumble of his old car driving towards her home. She took a deep breath and tried to look casual as he slowed down.

It was still hard for her to believe that she was going out with Darren that night. Her girl friends had made it clear that they were jealous when he'd asked her on a date; he was one of those guys that all the girls wanted to date. Tall, blonde, good-looking, funny...

Monica's heart did a summersault in her chest as he rolled down the window of his old silver car.

"Hey, Mon," he grinned at her, Monica smiled politely back at him.

"Hey," she squeaked after a second. She mentally kicked herself and shifted her weight uncomfortably.

Darren reached forwards and opened the passenger side door, "Do you want to get going?" he asked her.

Monica nodded and climbed into the car, feeling like a bundle of nerves as she shut the door behind herself, she smiled slightly at Darren.

"You look beautiful," he smiled at her.

Monica's heart swelled in her chest; "Really?" her cheeks burned a brilliant shade of red, "Thanks."

"Yeah," he grinned, "You do."

**...**

By the time that movie had finished, Monica began to feel some-what comfortable around Darren and conversations began to flow easily between the pair of them. She could honestly say that she'd had a great time; she didn't remember much of the movie really, because all she could think of was Darren holding her hand as they shared pop-corn. It was like a scene from a sappy movie, or a paragraph from a girly book. It was perfect.

"So, did you enjoy the movie?" Darren asked her as they walked back towards his car.

"Yeah," Monica blushed, "Did you?"

"Yeah, but I didn't pay much attention," he told her, taking her hand again. On the inside, she was doing back-flips and squealing with excitement, but on the outside, somehow, she managed to look and remain fairly calm.

"W-why's that?"

"Because I couldn't take my eyes off of you," he said gently, stopping them both just before they reached his car, Monica swallowed dryly as she blushed deeper, smiling at him. He touched her cheek gently before leaning towards her, her heart began pounding in her chest as he closed the gap between them, her skin was on fire and she could feel sparks flying around her brain before his lips had touched hers. She closed her eyes gently as he pressed her lips against hers and kissed her sweetly.

"So," he whispered, pulling back from her slightly and smiling, his warm brown eyes sparkling, "Do you want to do this again sometime?"

Monica grinned, "Definitely."

**...**

Monica couldn't stop smiling as she lay back in her bed later that evening, she felt weightless. Her phone vibrated beside her and she smiled when she saw Chandler- one of her best friend's name flashing on the screen.

"Hey, Chandler," she answered, sitting up and grinning to herself.

"I take it the date went well, then," he chuckled.

"Yeah, it did," Monica gushed, "It was perfect, we went to the movies, and then he kissed me..."

Chandler laughed, "Ooh, check you out, kissing on the first date," he teased.

Monica rolled her eyes, "Says Mr I've-dumped-and-dated-Janice-more-than-I've-changed-my-socks."

Chandler laughed again, "Touché, Miss Geller," he laughed, "So, are you going to see him again?"

Monica smiled widely, "Yeah, we're going out on Saturday."

"Twice in one week, you must be doing something right," he said playfully, "Looks like I'm going to have to step aside."

Monica played with a strand of her hair as she lay back on her bed again, "Like I could ever replace you."

"Yeah, you better not," Chandler said, "I better go now, I've got a lot of homework," he quipped.

"Okay, I'll see you at school," Monica said, "Don't go asking Janice out again tonight, yeah?" she laughed teasingly.

"Oh, screw you, Geller," he laughed, hanging up on her.

Monica dropped her phone onto the bed beside her and sighed, feeling lighter than air. She had a wonderful bunch of friends, her family life was going well and she'd just had her first kiss... life was good. Really good.

**...**

So obviously, I'm going down the Monica and Chandler are best friends route, because, who doesn't love a little Mondler friendship to break up the angst... Oh, and you have no idea how hard it was to write Monica with someone else! Oh yeah, and I've set this in the present, so I could bring out some of the technology aspects... Just in case you were wondering. And Darren seems okay now, apart from the fact he isn't Chandler, who in my opinion is the only one for her!

Thank you for all the kind words, _PrincessConsuelaBnhmk, GabbyTheTwangle, Bnolled1519, dizuz, Flash Gordon, dancer cherrybug, masked and anonymous and chandler-bing-is-my-god_... Thanks, seriously, I'm so grateful to have your support. :)

Thank you for reading, please review.


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